Are you okay with not being liked? If you are a parent I am assuming the answer is "yes" haha but in general, are you okay with not being liked? I struggle with this personally and see this as a block for many clients too. Many people with trauma have a people pleasing button pushed “on” at all times but unaware of how “on” it is. I feel my people pleaser often and to this day have to use my tools to slow it down, get curious about it and eventually sit with the discomfort the impulse to please can bring. Sitting with discomfort is a common thing many people run from.
It took me some time and a lot of quality therapy to notice my own people pleasing patterns. I am normally great at catching the impulse and soothing the parts in me that are being activated by the situation. Lately though, I have been struggling. As a practice owner you aren't prepared for how many hats you have to wear. I am so busy balancing all the hats on my head while desperate to let them fall so I can be seen as a human, not the boss or the one having to charge the cards due to high deductibles. I am a human struggling just like everyone else. Due to the frustrating role I accidently cast myself in, I can't always lead with my soul the way I want to. I am the bad guy at times and I just need to be okay with that. I don't make the rules but unfortunately (especially for high deductibles which really hurt my heart) I have to follow them to keep things going for the employees who depend on me.
Side note: My family has suffered tremendously due to insurance situations so I truly do get the frustration some of my clients feel with insurance. I do know how unkind the systems are but that is for another post.
People pleasing can (not always) stem from childhood experiences and the need to feel safe, accepted, loved at all times. For me it was a need that became impossible to meet. I worked on this years ago and felt I had a great handle on it but then bam, I was more in a supervisory and manager role in a lot of areas of my life.
In many parts of my life I have graduated to mentor, supervisor, manager, mom of teenagers and so on. Places I am facing more and more where it is obvious I am disagreed with or disliked. In many cases a very thankless job where I notice no matter how much blood sweat and tears I put into it, there is an ask for more before any sort of "thank you" is spoken. In my mentally lower days I have interpreted these times as me not being liked. Even if that is true I know I just need to be okay with that. It's hard work though, really hard lately.
This feeling as if someone doesn't like me has brought me back to the unhealed part I thought I worked on years ago. What is different is I can tell it was happening and quickly intervene. Long to short, it isn't taking over. My empowered self stayed the captain of the ship and the other child wound parts were able to have a voice to validate, however, remained as passengers.
I want my clients, my colleagues, family and my friends to all have the tools they need to be able to sit with the energy of (possibly) not being liked. It can be uncomfortable but it is important to be able to sit with. In order to discontinue the exhausting game of making sure everyone is okay before you even look at yourself (people pleasing energy) you need to pause, you need to slow down. It is okay to attuned to your own needs before you launch into working for others emotional needs.
This is not quick work though, but when you move slow you heal fast.
One major rule to follow is: Keep in mind that you are doing the best you can and not everyone will like you.
Another rule to follow is: As long as your intention for things comes from love and looking out for other’s best interest it’s time to start being okay with not being liked.
There is a powerful growth to being okay with not being liked. I like to add being okay with not being liked while you still wish the best for all. For those who do spiritual work try and recall a time of difficult spiritual growth, it was in your best interest but it didn’t feel great right? For those of you who have had break throughs in therapy I can only guess here that it was because you paused the ego bruise a bit and tried to see other perspectives to gain clarity hence the break through.
Another perspective to ponder is maybe you are liked but you perceive not being liked. In Somatic therapy school (Somatic Experiencing Trauma Therapy) they talk a LOT about perceived threat versus actual threat. Many of us are reactive to perceived threat and a large percentage of the times it has nothing to do with the agitator in front of us. It usually is a mixture of unresolved past trauma bubbling up again because the situation is reminding us of a past situation that was much worse.
In conclusion to this morning rant about people pleasing, not being liked and all the connections to unhealed wounds I just want to say I am human too and feeling brave enough to express my vulnerability in a public post. I personally seek out helpers (therapists, mentors, supervisors, shamans..) who express their own vulnerability. Who lead with their soul, those are my type of humans. I am trying to be more like my mentors today and lead with my heart, soul and raw human emotions.
Some ideas for growth that helped me these past few weeks:
Your goal can be (when you are up for it) to start noticing how it feels when you PRECEIVE you are not liked and slow it down, feel into it and start noticing that despite your perception of not being liked you are still okay. You still have your community you still have your self. The energy that can bubble up out of fear you aren’t liked can really dysregulate the nervous system. Learn to sit with the discomfort long enough where you know you can handle it. You know at your core that you are doing the best you can and mean only support even if it isn’t taken that way.
For people who walk around feeling as if the world is against them, at one point things were so hard, so difficult that this felt extremely true at the time. Notice how some of that may be a haunting from past trauma and one solution is to get in with a somatic therapist or dance movement therapist to help. For people who experience this 'everything goes wrong' type thinking, it can be extra dysregulating to feel as if someone doesn't like you on top of that. I see you and know that it's complicated for you but please try to slow down a little and get curious about your possible triggers. And yes, things do go wrong and you have every right to express the pain you are in because things aren't working out. It is also okay to orient to what is working out if you have capacity, no pressure or rush though. Always be gentle on yourself in times of dysregulation.
Also, in general what is needed is more transparency, more healthy communication where we listen to just listen, not listen so we can defend. I believe the triggers would be less active if we all agreed to listen to one another more without defense. I suspect that is what is going on in the mix of a situation where someone feels the other doesn't like them, a healthy dose of listening with defense, not actually listening to better understand one another.
Imagine a world where we were all slowing down and getting curious about our possible triggers. I believe we would all be more open to hearing one another out, getting to know the actual story vs the one we are assuming is there. The world is heavy, especially right now, let's do our own work to feel a teeny tiny bit lighter in our own body. We are all just trying to get through the day and notice a little joy along the way. Peaceful Presence is what I am striving for in my body today. I hope this blog offers you some ideas of how you can find your peaceful presence too.
I found these videos for you to consider if you want to hear about some of the things mentioned above: